Lately I’ve been wondering even more how it feels like to be on a constant rollercoaster of emotions, going from elation to profound sadness in the blink of an eye; from positive to negative. From good to bad. There’s no middle ground here; it’s always black or white.
Contrasts define the very core of my being.
I suffer from depression. I have been suffering from major depressive disorder for as long as I can remember; yet it’s one of those things, you know? That you never consciously grasp but once you start pondering over it, you begin to realize that that pesky little voice in the back of your mind had always been there.
And it likes to frequently remind you that you’re not enough, even during those rare moments of self-fulfillment, it tends to power through and sap you of any sort of perceived nirvana. It’s a type of background noise that fades in and out of the foreground, akin to a perverse arrhythmic tide that follows the emotional pattern of every unpredictable second.
The fight of my life is the story of my life; and in it, I have to be my very own Muhammad Ali.
Depression has taught me a lot about life. Lately, I’ve been trying to listen.
It has educated me a great deal on medical issues in general. Every now and then, my gaze switches from the obligatory open Facebook tab to a new Wikipedia window in my pursuit to find out more about the chemical effects of a supplement whose ads had just been presented to me. That is how I learned about uridine monophosphate, a substance that’s garnering more and more attention due to its ascribed positive neurological impact. A mouthful indeed, but I kid you not, depression has taught me to be more curious and seek out more information on all matters.
Depression has taught me to cherish. What do they say, that you have “to have bad days in order to appreciate the good ones”? I’ve come to find this is not one of those redundant platitudes your aunt likes to throw around when narrating stories of her youth as a flight attendant, but that it is very true and accurate. The ups and downs associated with severe depression can be a pain in the ass, and yet that very same daily rollercoaster ride showcases the chasm between the good, the bad and the ugly. It leads you to appreciate the little things and cherish the good moments, as you expect them to deteriorate at any second.